Courtship Webinar Summary: by Mrs. Lydia Hoppman

The webinar started off with a period of time to answer the questions
that come in each week from the listeners. The questions were many
and I didn’t record them all but here are some of the key ideas gained
from those questions. Mr Botkin spoke of the importance of NOT just
marrying a “nice girl” (or boy) and said a successful marriage isn't
guided by “we don’t argue or divorce”. It should be a strong, selfless
picture of love. They really stressed not settling for anything less.
A person needs to understand that the main goal is to know God and make Him
known and if that includes marriage that is great! Discipleship should
already be in place, not something that happens “once I get married”
type of thing. Marriage is definitely normative, yet shouldn’t be all
one thinks about before it happens. Marriage is not the end-all in
life. Productivity and fruitfulness can be accomplished while
preparing for marriage.

In speaking to Ben and Audri about their courtship process, Audri
mentions that she wasn’t looking for “an out” of her family. She
honored the authority structure in her family and knew she was needed
at home. When Ben did enter the picture everyone knew he had to be
something evn higher in priority than her own family in order to take
her away. She had her priorities in place and wasn’t out looking to
escape her responsibilites in
other words.

Once Ben began thinking that Audri might be that one, he went straight
to Audri’s father and told him that he saw many admirable traits in
Audri, yet that he didn’t know for sure if “she was the one”. He then
asked Audri’s father what his thoughts regarding this were. Ben asked
her dad if he thought it was alright to get to know her better. This
was spoken of as a good pattern and guideline to follow.

The Botkin’s said that young men should regard all other young ladies
as someone else’s wife as long as they are not married, so as to NOT
violate the young lady’s feelings prematurely and so forth. Each must
be so careful in this area!

Something else that was discussed was the importance of the young man
walking with older and wiser men to learn all he can about marriage.
Honest communication must be in place. Audri's father basically descipled
Ben during this whole process of getting to know Audri and the family.

Another critical point made was that the young man, or young lady,
should never make themselves out to look better than they actually
are. As said earlier, honesty really is the best policy! Wrong
impressions will later be found out and give a deceptive view of the
one who is trying to look good. Be really honest about weaknesses
and failures. Ask others such as family and friends about the
character of the one being discussed. You don’t want to set up false
expectations. It will only hurt them both in the end, if they don‘t
practice this truth factor. (perfection is NOT expected, just honesty
and openess) When talking about how much to tell each
other, the Botkin’s said you obviously don’t need to give every detail
and gory story about each others failings and such, but only those character
traits or weaknesses that might potentially hurt the marriage and
needs working
on, so each can decide whether they can help each other with this
particular problem, or whether this has been, and is, dealt with.
Either way, each
goes into marriage fully knowing what to expect. Full disclosure is
far better than looking good to impress and finding out later!! Being
blunt, honest and real with each other is necessary in order to make a
sound decision in good conscience before God..

Again it was discussed that defining terms for marriage and courtship
are really important before beginning the process.

Some of the topics given to discuss were:
Family traditions
Relationship to God
Favorite books, movies etc
Favorite scripture passages
Goals
Passions
Vision
What is each looking for in a spouse?
What does each need in a spouse?
Parenting
How to handle various situations
Doctrine
Church government and leadership
Women in he church
Mistakes made and how they were handled
Politics and current events

This should all be sober and not a giddy time!

The woman really needs to know whether or not she can submit and
follow this man and the man needs to know whether he can lead this
young woman and such.


There were many, many more that I didn’t get down in writing, but the
ideas stated were just to get the thought processes rolling, so-to-speak. The
Botkin’s really didn’t want to give lists as if their way was the
only way.

Prayer was discussed as a way to begin each talking time and to end
each as well. Commit all to God to give them wisdom and truth and a
productive time together. They feel that “talk-time” is serious
business!

Ben and Audri actually got to know each other long distance and spent
very little time together because the Botkin’s had moved right before
they started courting. This was radically different from David and his
courtship. Each one will be different so the families need to be
flexible .Each person is different and each situation is different
which is why reliance upon God and His wisdom is entirely necessary!

Again, the need to “interview” each family was a way to learn a lot
about each other and both Ben, Audri, David, and Nadia found this so
helpful.

Another point made was that emotions had to remain in control
throughout the process so as to not base decision on them alone. It
was mentioned that decisions shouldn’t be made on things less
important than those that are spiritual.

The difference between sensual love and love for others was
explained. They went into a long explanation of the need to keep this
aspect under control while in a courtship stage. Phillipians 1:8 was
an example given of how Paul
loved the church and yet it was a proper love. Love is good when it is
applied as selfless love and concern for the other over self. In all
relationships this is a good practice anyways.

Closeness and touch was discussed and the general conclusion made was
that hands off is best, while courting, but again depending on each
individual situation and people involved, ( some believe to hold hands
is alright during courtship) but usually the bestway to avoid wrong
emotions and premature feelings is to wait for marriage before holding
hands and so forth. They spoke oferring on the side of caution always!
Lookout for what is good andright in God’s eyes. We are to guard
against giving opportunity to theflesh. Caring for the soul of the
other was
mentioned as very important.The Botkin’s clearly spoke of the aspect
of not “looking forward to”being alone. The young man should NEVER
consider the young lady “his
girl” at all, until they are married and vise versa! This could fall
into covetousness as well. (desiring something that is not lawfully
yours)

The parents hopefully have been guiding and instructing both parties
while young, up to present, in order to make good and wise decisions
regarding marriage. The other important issue was the idea of parents
NOT telling their young adults what to do or what decision to make,
but instead helping them to think and guiding them through the
process. The ultimate decision still belongs to the two involved, in
the end.

Nearing the end of these two sessions the idea of not leaning upon our
own understanding and trusting in God as ever so important in making a
right decision. Read the word of God together and discuss the meaning
of what was read. Pray together. You can find out so much about a
person and their relationship with God by the way they pray. Worry
not! Fear not!

The young man must be willing to lay down his life for the woman. (Is
he?) Can the young lady help the young man in consideration with his
weaknesses and walk along beside him and support his vision and
purpose? They each must ask the crucial question: Am I the best person
for him/her?? God will give right desires when each desires his will
not their own. It isn’t about “what I want” but rather, what is
bestfor the other! Wow! What a concept in our day and age! So often,
sadly, it is more about self in our day and age!

As for a time frame, the idea was mentioned that he courtship should
take as long as needed, while being as short as possible! I thought
that was great and wise advice! If there is no legitimate reason for
doubt, the Holy Spirit will make it evident and clear.

Here are some more and repeated guidelines to help in making a decision:

Look for the fruit of the Spirit
Does each love the word of God?
Is there love for each other more than self love?
Is there evidence of each growing in discipline and maturity?

Another question to ask is, "who are your disciples?" What a great
question to ask! Does each have a desire to serve God, is it taking
place now in their lives? Looking at the family legacy of each family
can also be very helpful in determining the potentials of a suitor.
Look for a depth in their relationship with God, not just a shallow
walk with God.

I could go on and on because there truly was so much covered. I think
I have given a fairly good idea of the most important topics
discussed, and I know I have even been somewhat redundant. I hope this has been
very helpful to anyone who reads this.

God Bless you!

In His Grip,
Lydia Hoppman